Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?  He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. 
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. 
Luke 11:46
"And he said, Woe unto you also, ye lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne, and ye yourselves touch not the burdens with one of your fingers."
Phil was dying and decided to called his priest, accountant and lawyer close to him to give the final instructions for his passing.  He handed them each an envelope with $100,000 in it and told them, "My wife has been unfaithful and my children are useless.  I don't want them to inherit anything.  As they close the lid to my coffin, I want you to each throw in $100,000 so that I can be buried with my wealth".

They each agreed and Phil breathed his last.  At the funeral each man tossed in the envelope as instructed and the group of advisors began discussing the matter. 

The accountant began, "I'm sorry to say that I didn't carry out Phil's last wishes.  He owed $10,000 in back taxes and I didn't think it fair to stick his widow with the bill.  I only threw $90,000 in the coffin."

The Priest confessed next, "I too did not follow Phil's wishes.  I learned that Phil's daughter needed $20,000 for a serious medical operation.  I only tossed $80,000 in his coffin."

The lawyer scolded them, "Gentlemen, I'm ashamed of you both.  I followed Phil's wishes and just as they closed the lid on Phil's coffin, I tossed in my personal check for $100,000."

Charity Work
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in
charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and
has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving
her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I
don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off you when you die.
Will Rogers
“The minute you read something you don't understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.”
Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”

Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”

Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.


Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children. The first said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.”

The second proudly proclaimed, “My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.”

“That is nothing,” replied the third, “my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!”

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?”
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Copyright © 2001, Law Offices of George A. Boyle